A few people posted in the comments to “The elephant in the room” that they are realizing that now they they’re the adults, the anticipation and magic that was all part of Christmas when they were younger is now their responsibility.
I felt weighed down by this when my kids were teeny, before I got divorced. In retrospect, I was being crushed by the weight of expectation from all angles, and Christmas was just mega-ultra-supremely expectation-y. Plus, you’re supposed to be cherished at Christmastime (every kiss begins with k) and I was neither cherished nor cherishing in that marriage, so it was flat and wrong but I felt like I needed to make every minute sparkle.
It was exhausting.
And then I became a failure, and Christmas still happened.
That was, and still is, the story of my life. I broke–into a million little pieces–and while I was struggling to glue myself back together, God came down and grabbed me. He sent his son, like he does every year, whether we welcome him or not. And that fused me back together again.
Those two mid-divorce Christmases were kind of horrible in terms of anticipation. But they were just right, because into the midst of darkness, the light came. And they reset who I was and what my definition of magic is.
In some weird twist of spiritual double indemnity, I am now both living up to my own expectations and also freed of a lot of expectations. And that makes the “making the magic” angle of Christmas actually doable. I figured out what means magic for me, and I have started paying very close attention to what each of my children gets that sparkly feeling from and what they don’t seem to care about. Everything that none of the three of us cares about gets left by the wayside.
It isn’t photo-worthy, and there are no red bows. It’s just ordinary magic.
Written by Magda (Christmased.com‘s Head Elf), who is grateful.
I’ve been saying for the last few years that Christmas has just been exhausting since my daughter was born. She was born at the beginning of December of 08, so for the last three Christmases, it’s been hard to enjoy. This has less to do with the baby and more to do with the fact that every relative we have has decided to descend upon our house. So I’ve begun celebrating the twelve days of Christmas for our family, since we’ve gotten rid of all the company by then.
My six year-old daughter said to me recently, “Mama, do you know what my most favorite part of Christmas is?” GIfts under the tree? Stockings full of goodies? Bowls of candy lying unguarded throughout the house? All these things went through my mind. And then she said, “It’s the night we decorate the tree, before it’s even Christmas yet. And we put all the ornaments on and you tell us the stories about where they all came from and then we all snuggle up on the couch together and turn off all the other lights in the house and just sit and listen to Christmas songs and look at the tree.” And I answered her, with some surprise, but with absolute honesty, “Honey, that’s my most favorite part of Christmas, too.” It was a really good reality check for me. I feel so pressured to make everything perfect for my kids at Christmas, but sometimes the truly perfect stuff just happens all on its own.
This is just beautiful.
This makes me cry, in a good way. I am so glad your worst Christmases helped you find the best ones.
For me, I’m in a happy marriage with great kids, but still feel a decent amount of weight of expectations. Some things I’ve already done to help are to set small present quotas (one medium each from Santa, a big one from mom and dad, and a tiny one in each of their train cars that goes around the tree) so I don’t go too crazy (this somewhat backfires as I then go a little crazy with stockings), and to avoid super labor intensive things like baking tons of cookie tins worth of stuff with 3 kids 5 and under running around. One thing I should do this season is some sort of list thing – stuff I feel like i should do and/or want to do, then go over it crossing out the stuff that isn’t that important or that I don’t care that much about. hopefully leaving me with stuff I DO want to do and allowing me to give myself permission to concentrate on that stuff instead of getting scattered with all of the extras.
Growing up, my family didn’t have a lot of money so I guess Christmas was never really about the “stuff” so I didn’t go up with big expectations of having to have the perfect Christmas with the perfect gifts, etc.
Although I do admit to going overboard every year with the holiday meal when generally it is just my husband and kids…no company and yet a I feel the need to make this extravagent gourmet meal. Which I realize is kind of insane but its my “overwhelming” aspect of the holiday.
I think leaving behind the stuff that isn’t important to you or your kids is the secret to not being overwhelmed and actually enjoying the holiday. Which is why I stopped making the dozens and dozens of cookies. And why we drive nearly 45 minutes to the local candy factory every year. The first doesn’t give me or my kids that sparkly feeling but the 2nd most definitely does, especially for my kids.
And lastly, I know I am a terrible person but I don’t really care for jewelry. So I usually mock those “Every kiss begins with K” commercials by responding “only if you married a whore”. Cracks my husband up every time. Hee!
I’ve been thinking a lot about this post for the last couple of days. I try not to think about Christmas until December 1st and then it hits me like a ton of bricks and I can’t sleep and feel overwhelmed. Last year, I had a little melt down (I think you’ll remember) about having to bake and donate 10 dozen cookies for my kids school Christmas fundraiser. But it wasn’t just that, it was creating a magical experience for cutting down our tree, and having some divine moments of decorating the tree where we would be nostalgic and my husband would squeeze my hand and wink at me as we uncovered baby ornaments or ornaments of significance, but none of that happened. The lights were a disaster, the kids broke a couple of ornaments, I never had time to put on music and my husband was checking scores of some game on T.V. in another room while pretending to be interested in what we were doing but not very convincingly.
My husbands parents are divorced and mine come from out of town, so breakfast and dinner is on me, at my house and everyone gathers at our house to watch the kids open presents and I am grateful that they come to us, but also feel like the kids need to be in matching pj’s and the wrapping must be beautiful because I am putting on a show for everyone.
My husband has never surprised me with a piece of jewelry for Christmas and in fact sucks at picking out gifts. What I do appreciate is that he cuts me A LOT of slack with my demands and anxiety and will go to the grocery store multiple times in advance for me without even blinking, and cleans the whole mess up at the end of the day.
The best part of Christmas for me, last year was discovering that my oldest sons best friend who had moved to our city from out of town had no extended family and nowhere to go on Christmas. She was a single mom with two kids. I invited her to our dinner completely spontaneously when I found out and she hugged me and cried and thanked me. I think that was my lightbulb moment, because suddenly I felt embarressed that my kids did have matching pj’s and hoards of gifts under the tree. Her kids were just happy to be at our house, playing games and could care less what our tree looked like or what we were eating.
I’m letting a lot go this year, although my mom has already told me that she has booked a flight to come in December to help me do the cookies with the kids, and I am excited about that. Everything else, I am going to take in stride. As for feeling cherished by my husband, I guess that comes the day after when he tells me that he’s glad it’s over and he has his regular wife back.
A friend of mine gave me this list, which helped me to remember how to keep some of the magic in Christmas. She has these written on little slips of paper and puts the papers in a special thing she has with 24 boxes- it’s their advent calendar. I’m going to try to find one like it for this year and put one in each box for the girls to pull out in the morning, then they have all day to think about it. My plan is to know them in advance and plan them on appropriate days- like the easy ones on days where you already have a lot going on, etc. Of course, this might be a wild, impossible dream, but hey- it could happen! Especially if you don’t go overboard, Martha Stewart-like with them. Christmas magic still shines through, even when you make a half-assed stocking.
1. Tell a friend at school you think they’re really cool.
2. Take a special treat to a neighbor.
3. Make a small stocking. Drop it off on someone’s door as a surprise.
4. Make a card for a loved one and send it in the mail.
5. Recycle some toys to share with others.
6. Read a Christmas book to your sister/brother.
7. Light a candle and say a prayer for a loved one far away.
8. Take food to a local food pantry.
9. Take a trip to get the Christmas Tree.
10. drive to look at Christmas lights in pjs.
11. Make thank you notes before they are needed.
12. Write a list of 10 things you are thankful for this year. Share with your Grandma
13. Reading or watching a favorite Christmas Story
14. Make paper snowflakes
15. Have a holiday sing along
16. Go for a walk and look at the stars.
17. make real hot cocoa
18. make Christmas ornaments
19. write letter to santa
20. have a picnic under the Christmas tree.
21. Decorate a gingerbread house.
22. Shop for adopted family.
23. Craft basket — goodies for making paper chains, pom-pom garlands, noodle garlands.
24. Make gifts for the birds.
25. Family game night — get a new game.
26. Attend holiday concert or play.
27. Make gifts for teachers.
Amy, I love these! This will be way better than the advent calendar I was originally thinking about.
I’m totally stealing this too! Thank you. It’s lovely. I can’t wait until BabyT is old enough to do this stuff with me.