How do you deal with Santa in your household?
I was raised in a house in which we focused on Christmas as Jesus’ birthday. We celebrated primarily on Christmas Eve, and opened presents from our parents then. We got things in our Christmas stockings “from Santa,” but Santa was never the focus of the season, and he never had any moral power. My mother says I stopped believing in Santa when I was 4 and figured out that the handwriting on the tag of a gift from Santa was her handwriting.
I figured I would raise my own children the same way–neither asking nor telling about Santa, so he wouldn’t be the focus, but I wouldn’t explain that he didn’t exist, and let them figure it out. But then when my own 3-year-old told me he knew Santa wasn’t real, and then his brother, several years later, started talking about Santa as if they were close personal friends, I realized different kids have different needs, and I had to come up with a way to frame Santa so that my kids could find their ways through our Santa-laden culture.
The narrative I came up with for my older son is that Santa is a story adults tell kids to make things more magical and fun at Christmas time. That he adds to the excitement, and adults want kids to have fun at Christmas, so that’s what the story is about. This is also why he hasn’t told his younger brother anything harsh like “Santa isn’t real.”
We have also dealt with the issue of having multiple Santas in multiple places by pointing out that there is no possible way any person could be everywhere, so these are people dressed up like Santa to represent Santa.
I have heard the argument that promoting (or even not debunking) Santa is lying to children. I get that point, but think that there’s a way to incorporate Santa without making it a black-and-white issue that implies a lie.
I do have a problem with promoting the all-seeing nature of Santa. I don’t think children benefit from being afraid that someone is watching them and waiting for them to screw up. The idea that a child who misbehaves repeatedly and willfully might not receive any presents, however, seems like straight-up natural consequences, though. So how do you draw the line between “cut it out or you won’t get anything” and “some creepy man is watching you all the time so don’t screw up”?
How do you do Santa? Or do you do Santa at all? Have you figured it out? Or is your approach still a work in progress?
(Next week: What happens when your child stops believing in Santa?)
When I was a kid, I figured out that Santa, the Easter Bunny, and my mother all had the same handwriting/wrapping paper. My 6yo is a real skeptic when it comes to the tooth fairy, Santa, Easter Bunny, etc. Little gifts show up, but when asked if I went to Target the night before, I deny it (because I actually went to Target the week before, but anyway…).
In our family, we try to emphasize Jesus’ Birthday much more than Santa. I do *NOT* do this “Santa is watching” creepiness. They should be good kids regardless of Christmas gifts or creepy voyeurs. I *do* have books and movies about Saint Nicholas, and we talk about how Saint Nicholas was a real person who gave gifts to the needy, and his legend lives on in Santa. And maybe, just maybe, it is Saint Nicholas who leaves something for them under the tree.
So far, we haven’t really made a decision. My daughter will just have turned three this Christmas. Last year, she was terrified of Santa, so we never mentioned him at all. (And obviously, the years before that, she was too young to get it at all.) I kind of like the school of thought that presents come from your family because we love each other. And we will not do the Santa is watching you thing, I’ve never really liked that.
I can’t remember ever believing in Santa. I can remember playing along so that my parents thought I believed in Santa, but I must have figured it out quite young because I have no memory of ever thinking he was a real person. (Nor do I have that “Santa’s NOT REAL?!?!” memory either.)
Since we’re not religious, Santa isn’t necessarily in contrast to a “real” meaning of the holiday for us. But we connect him more carefully to doing good things for other people. Mouse figured it out at 5 or 6 and we copped it. Then we told her that she’s part of the club now and as long as she thinks it’s fun to play the game, we’ll all play it; but also to think about ways we can be Santa for other people. Really, the “yes Virginia” letter is the sense I think of it in: http://www.newseum.org/yesvirginia/ .
I have some friends who’ve gone to great lengths to circumvent their suspicious kids from finding out the truth, including using this site that makes you videos of Santa with a book that has your kid’s actual photo in it and reads customized text. For me that’s a little weird. I don’t equate believing in Santa with any particular good or innocence, I think believing and not believing can be a continuum in spirit.
Er, the site with the customized Santa videos is http://portablenorthpole.tv/home/
I was brought up with the idea that if you don’t believe in Santa, you won’t get the gifts. It was always pretty light hearted on my parents part. I don’t think my parents ever pushed the issue with me, but I also never pushed it either. I just simply never asked about it. They still to this day (I’m 33) have never told me the truth and I assume they think I just picked up on it somewhere along the way. I have two kids now, ages 7 & 4 who I raise the same way. We just have them write their list to Santa and we buy and wrap the gifts from him which they get on Christmas morning. It actually breaks my heart a little to think of sitting them down and telling them the truth now since they still really believe. I don’t feel its a lie to keep up the story, I feel its more a test of faith. That if they believe they will receive, regardless of their behavior. My daughter has asked the usual Santa questions of who is he, how does he get in, how does he do it…and my response is always that he has helpers and a little magic and a lot of hard work.
My oldest (now almost 5) asked me point blank at just over two years old, “Santa is pretend, isn’t he?” I didn’t want to lie to him so I said pretty much the same as above “Santa is a story that we tell for fun, but some children believe he is real for awhile.” I emphasized for him not to tell his friends as it might hurt there feelings and he hasn’t. So since he didn’t believe it seemed pointless and like more work for us to keep up a Santa charade so we simply haven’t done it. I also much prefer the idea that my kids know that we worked hard and bought/made their presents for them. Quite frankly, I spend a lot of time picking out and/or making the “perfect” gifts and we are pretty limited gift-givers and I don’t want to give the credit for that to some imaginary guy. We now have a younger son who is 2.5 and he hasn’t asked about Santa (we’ll see what happens this year) but I plan to just tell him the truth when he does.
*their” feelings not “there” feelings. Gah. I hate grammar mistakes.
This is a big divide between my husband and me.
I was raised believing in Santa, and remember my own “is he real” question, as well as my mother’s answer, which was along the lines of “in many ways, yes…” (spirit of love, giving, generosity, etc.). While I felt a little betrayed, I was also thankful. And I knew she wasn’t lying with her answer. I love the idea of Santa, the magic, the faith, the sparkle. My parents didn’t go as far as my friend’s parents, who actually got some animal up on the roof to sound like reindeer, and had a neighbor dress up in a Santa costume and walk around in the yard at night in big boots to make footprints in the snow (since friend would have recognized her own parents’ footprints), so friend could “see” Santa from a distance. They brought a little snow indoors and left it around the fireplace to melt, and left crumbs on the chair the next morning. She bought the whole thing, and loves the stories like that (she’s now an archaeologist).
My husband comes from a family in which the story of Santa is a lie they never told. He makes fun of Santa and claims that Santa lies under the sand at the beach and eats little children.
It totally infuriates me.
As my oldest is now three, it’s starting to matter. We have had a few discussions about it, but need to come to an agreement NOW. I very much want the Santa story, and I want him not to degrade it.
Any tips from others about how to negotiate it?
OMG, I had almost forgotten that when we were kids (I was a about 7 or 8 I think, and my brother 4 or 5) and one of our babysitters dressed up as Santa and came to our house on Christmas day. I knew Santa didn’t exist, but I didn’t know who it was. My bro’ on the other hand was totally silent (his nickname is Chatty Matty, so that says something) when we opened the door and there was Santa. To this day I don’t know if my parents arranged it (unlikely as it never happened again) or it was the babysitters’ idea. Memorable though.
That’s a tough one! There’s got to be a way to meet in the middle on this. I’m guessing that once he sees your 3 year old really enjoying the spirit of things he’ll have a hard time crushing those feelings. But its also important to respect your husbands choice to not believe. Perhaps if he would agree to just not go overboard on telling other lies about Santa (like eating children). I mean if he thinks the Santa thing is a lie anyway, then he should just leave it at that, don’t go on to traumatize children further with more lies.
We follow what @Charisse said, although DS is only 3, so this may be the year he ‘gets’ Santa. He’s the kind of kid that picks up on stuff quickly, so I imagine he’ll figure it out sooner or later. But he’s also the kind of kid that likes to play the game…especially when he’s in on it. My parents still give us a Santa gift (and my Mom still does stockings ‘from Santa’ for us – she does awesome stockings and always seems to find the most useful/good objects to put in them. I’d go for the stocking over presents any day).
Also, I have a favorite Christmas story (pulled out from Readers Digest I think when I was 9 or 10) about a boy who is questioning weather or not Santa exists. His grandmother shows him how the spirit of Santa is all around by getting the boy to buy a winter coat for one of his classmates that doesn’t have one. The boy and his grandmother wrap it up and leave it on the doorstep of the classmate and the little boy sees how happy his classmate is to have a warm winter coat. So, essentially the boy plays Santa to someone else. The story is more magical and less saccharine than what I’ve written here, but I find it really captures what I feel about Christmas and what the meaning behind the holiday is, for me.
In this spirit, I’ve read somewhere about being a secret Santa and anonymously dropping off ’12 days of Christmas’ presents to someone who has had a rough year. One day I would like to make this happen for someone. Though I wonder if the chosen person (that I would know) would be creeped out receiving anonymous gifts. I supposed they could be passed through a mutual friend (to stay anonymous but be ‘safe’…i.e. they could assure the recipient that it’s on the up and up).
Oops….that’s sooner RATHER THAN later… duh.
And yeah, we’re not focusing on the all-seeing thing about Santa. It’s the only thing that feels too manipulative to me. We won’t go to extra lengths doing it, but I will definitely act like Santa exists until DS tells me he thinks he doesn’t. I’ve got a great link for what to say when your child asks if Santa exists…stay tuned until tomorrow’s post!
My Mom’s favorite holiday is Christmas. Her stance was always if you don’t believe then there’s no Christmas. To this day my mother has neither confirmed nor denied the existence of santa. And I have to admit I too have never denied or confirmed his existence to my now 12 yr old either. Although I’m sure she knows.
My parents are always very over indulgent especially at christmas. When our daughter was little my husband said that he didn’t like that everything came from santa. So in our house one gift, usually the thing she desires the most, comes from santa. everything else comes from us.
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We do Santa and answer the questions very similarly to many above. It’s magical, like faries, and it’s fun to believe in magical stuff even if you don’t actually think it’s real real. They get their big gift from mom and dad, a medium gift from santa, and a tiny gift from santa that rides around in their personal train car (we have a big train that goes around the tree and they each get a car for it for their first Christmas then a little tiny present that fits in it thereafter). Santa fills stockings. I like to have the big gifts come from us, but I also like that so many of them are surprises from Santa.
We talk about Santa as a concept, like lots of other people have said. We tell them the story of St. Nicholas, and the spirit of giving and compassion. In that vein, their stocking stuffers are from “Santa” just like in the story of St. Nick. Everything else is from mom and dad or grandparents. I think my 4 year old still believes in Santa, and I don’t go out of my way to confirm or deny. If he asks me point blank, I tell him the story of St. Nick and say that people like to keep that story alive with Santa Claus. And we do the giving tree stuff, so he gets very excited about being Santa himself. I really like the idea of a continuum of belief/disbelief. There is no Santa, but anyone can be Santa.
We also don’t tie behavior to Christmas presents. I think partly that it’s because Christmas is a magical, transcendent time of year, and partly that we don’t have extravagant gift exchanges. (Their big gift this year from us is going to be a coupon book of treats — like picking the movie at movie night, having chocolate milk with dinner, or getting to pick out a box of junky cereal at the store.) If my kids start getting greedy and grabby about gifts, we talk about “the less fortunate” and I help them clean out their current stash of toys to find stuff to donate. This usually works pretty well. I don’t make it punitive, but I do make them think about how lucky they are. And if they get obnoxious after they’ve gotten their gifts, well, perhaps we need to take a break from playing with them right now.
You mean Santa isn’t real?!?!?!? I find that hard to believe.
This made me cry! I thought he was real!!!
When he was little, my older boy said to me, “Santa is a character, like Mickey Mouse, right?” So I went with it. (We’ve been to Disney, he’s met the mouse…if it made sense to him, it made sense to me.)
A (charmingly) complicating factor: Santa actually comes to visit kids in their houses on Christmas Eve in our town. If you call the elves, Santa shows up in your home. Pretty neat, but it goes a long way towards dispelling any ideas of Santa not being real. How can someone who has been in your room be false?
The same one who asked if Santa were a character is 8 this year and I am wondering how it will go. Of course, his friends are starting to say Santa isn’t real, but that doesn’t explain how he ends up in your home.
And: I’m not totally sure how I feel about this but he’s one of those kids who explains, “My mom would never buy me the stuff Santa brings.” Oy.
I’ve been hard-pressed to figure out how to explain Santa. We’re UUs, and have framed Christmas as being about 2 things: it celebrates the birth of Jesus, who was an incredibly special person who taught the world about lovingkindness, and it’s also about the return of light and hope to the world during the darkest time of the year. We also connect Jesus’s birth as being about a return of love, light, and hope to the world. So where does Santa come in? Well, we decided that Santa was about the spirit of giving to others in celebration of this return of the light, and to commemorate Jesus’s birthday. So in our house, Santa brings 3 gifts to each child (plus some little stocking gifts), the same way Jesus received 3 gifts from the wise men in the story. So far, my 4 year old really loves it. We give her one gift, and and Santa gives 3. She writes a Christmas list and on it also brainstorms gifts she would like to give, and tells Santa about them. We’re hoping the Santa myth will help her find some fun in giving to others, as she gets to play Santa. She looks for him on xmas eve, trying to see him in his sleigh, and goes to sleep hoping to hear sleigh bells, or footsteps on the roof. It is unbelievably precious. We have not introduced at all the creepy “knows when you’ve been bad or good” stuff, but we have said that Santa only comes to houses in which everyone is asleep, to help her give up on staying awake to see him. And we have the plate of half eaten cookies and a glass with a little milk left in the bottom for her to find in the morning.
I believe in Santa, mostly as the embodiment of generosity that does seem to happen more at Christmas than at other times of the year. My approach is that something believed in that strongly has a certain kind of reality to it, and while there is not literally some man in a red suit who lives at the north pole, there *is* something very like that at the metaphysical north pole. Plus, my family has experienced too many Christmas miracles for me not to believe at least a little.
But then, I am part of an interfaith family, and my celebration in December leans more heavily towards Yule and Solstice than towards Christmas.
My approach with kids is that there is nothing wrong with accepting that opposing things can be simultaneously true, so Santa can be both fictional and real. I don’t know how I would feel about it if I were devoutly Christian, but since I’m celebrating the pagan underpinnings of the holiday anyways, why not have a magical entity who brings presents?
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Great post, Moxie.
We live in Asia with our two daughters, now 4 and 6. Here, Santa is present for the consumerism of the season, to be sure. Our girls know from their local-language school of Santa, but he’s just a guy who gives out candy on the school day of Christmas and not some big Caucasian grandpa breaking into your house in the night. We are Christian and focus on Jesus’ birth and don’t even give gifts at Christmas. It wasn’t really our plan, but just how it has developed. Their grandparents send a few things and last year we made a doll house for them from an old shipping box, but that’s it. It’s quite the opposite of how my husband and I were raised with stacks of gifts on Christmas morning. We make the season special with family activities, overnight visitors each year and food (!!), but not with gifts. None of the friends (all Asians) of our girls have Santa giving them gifts or even their parents – even the Christian ones – so they (and we) don’t have any pressure in that department. It’s a relief really.
With my 5 year old, Jesus and Santa are at play at Christmas, with the religious reason kept at the centre. Santa brings one gift and fills a stocking. No watching is emphasized and Santa as a spirit of kindness and love is talked about. My son has figured out that the Mall Santas are not real but”helpers”. I gave up Santa around 6 so he’s in line.
What does bothers me about “Santa” is when he asks questions about children less fortunate than him when we are giving items such as food and toys to others during the Xmas season. Why does Santa not bring these children presents? Hence the one gift rule and the emphasis that Santa and Jesus want us to be like them, helping others, bringing joy, etc. Not sure what to say when he hears from friends that they received copous gifts from Santa……..
In our household, Santa is always described as “the spirit of giving.” We have had the indirect question about his reality when our son told us his friend didn’t believe in Santa – so would he get presents? We talked about how you don’t necessarily have to believe in the spirit of giving to receive presents because the person giving enjoys the giving more than demands in the belief. We ‘play Santa’ with friends and family enough that I hope the transition between believing and not believing in the personhood of Santa is a gentle one.